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Karley Sciortino of Slutever investigates. Why Dating Someone Older Isn’t Always Such a Bad Idea. To revist this article, visit My Profile, then View saved stories.

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To revist this article, visit My Profile, then View saved stories. When I was 25, I spent a year dating a man 20 years older than me. Before the Older Man, I’d never been in a relationship with someone of a significantly different age—older or younger—but I had spent my adolescence fantasizing about my teachers bending me over my lab station, so in a way this felt long overdue. The Older Man was also my editor, which added a power imbalance to the mix—a dynamic we all know can be equal parts problematic and irresistible. People raise their eyebrows at relationships with a significant age gap: If you’re the older guy, you’re creepy and exploitative, if you’re the older woman, you’re both of those things plus delusional about your shelf life. And yet, it’s not an accident that the teacher is a sexual archetype: Power, and the transmission of knowledge, are inherently erotic. But there’s also an undeniable eroticism to youth (duh), hence why the schoolgirl/boy gets its own chapter in the book of pervy cliches. In an age-gap relationship, you’re trading in different currencies, but each holds its own value. And while sharing parallel life experiences with someone has its clear comforts, it’s not exactly jerk-off material. I wonder: What do we gain and lose from dating someone of a different generation? The Older Man was a peculiar person. For one, he wore silk onesie pajamas that he meticulously ironed to have a crease down the center of the pant leg. He also practiced Buddhist chanting (à la Courtney Love). I filed both of these under “things you can only appreciate while middle-aged.” But despite the age difference (and his idiosyncrasies) we had some things in common. For instance, we were both making our first attempts at writing books. We were also both newly into BDSM, which realistically was a more significant point of connection than I’d had with most of my age-appropriate exes. Dating up had its perks. In your mid-20s, dating your peers can be harrowing—you’re drowning in a sea of street falafel, mezzanine beds, and entry-level head. So when you meet someone who has clean towels in their bathroom and, like, a career , it’s intoxicating. The Older Man had cool friends who had made movies and weren’t on their parents’ family plan. He gave me helpful advice on my career (“Don’t fuck your boss”) and about sex (“Stop screaming”). He also taught me what a 401(k) was. It was like an apprenticeship for life. But while the daddy vibe had longevity in bed, in life it got old pretty quickly. Whenever the Older Man and I went out, he chose the restaurant. For dates, it was never a question whether he would pay, because I plainly couldn’t afford his lifestyle, and he vetoed the consumption of bodega buffets. He refused to come to my apartment (I had several thousand roommates), so we’d always hang at his place. He controlled the relationship, at least superficially. I quickly learned that constantly feeling like a dependent child can be a real boner-killer. Like, I want to want you, not rely on you . . . and then feel like I owe you a blow job as payback for the guacamole. We also had different ideas of what qualifies as fun. On weekends, he wanted to get up at 7:30 a.m. so we could have the first pick of strawberries at the farmers’ market. I wanted to take ketamine and lie on the floor in public. So that was an issue. He also avoided hanging out with my friends—my theory was that he hated feeling like the old man at the party, while he argued that “going to Brooklyn is embarrassing.” And then there was the issue of energy levels: He would come once, and then pronounce his dick out of commission until tomorrow. I was like . . . Um, it’s 10:00 a.m. What are we supposed to do all day? When the Older Man and I eventually ended it, I chalked it up to the age gap. But in hindsight, I think we might have just been incompatible. Realistically, the proverbial conflict of horse tranquilizers versus fresh produce can happen in any relationship, regardless of age. But generational differences are an easy scapegoat, especially when you’re not in the mood for introspection. I wanted some insight on age gaps, so I called my friend Chelsea Fairless, a 33-year-old designer and one half of beloved IG account @everyoutfitonsatc. Chelsea’s currently in a long-term relationship with a woman 11 years younger than her. Previously, she seriously dated someone 27 years her senior. “I didn’t set out for this,” Chelsea told me. “It’s not like I’m sitting at home searching ‘lesbian age gap’ on Pornhub or whatever. Somehow I just ended up here.” But Chelsea says there are benefits to a generational gap. “Everyone thinks that some sort of power imbalance in a relationship is hot, even if they don’t admit it,” Chelsea said. “One thing that’s cool about dating someone younger is that I don’t have to deal with, like, DVRs and shit. When you date someone from a generation that doesn’t remember dial-up, they just fix all of that Internet stuff for you. It’s fabulous. She also keeps me in the know about who the new cool rapper or cool model is, which I no longer have the energy to figure out by myself.” But then sometimes an age gap can make you feel like you’re from different planets. “Sometimes I definitely feel old, like when my girlfriend says, ‘Who’s Fiona Apple?’ And for queer people specifically, the difference in dating people of different generations is huge, because we’ve had drastically different experiences of growing up. If you’re a gay person in your 20s, Ellen was out for your whole life. If you’re in your 50s, you remember all your friends dying of AIDS. Often younger people have less queer trauma.” And then you have to deal with all the haters. Age-gap relationships come with a certain amount of stigma, and that external skepticism can start to infiltrate your couple. Like, relationships are hard enough without your friends warning that your younger boyfriend is “using you.” Chelsea recalled, “In my previous relationship, when I had to tell my parents that I was dating someone nearly 30 years older than me, that was obviously stressful. The age thing definitely freaks people out. People would shout stuff at us on the street, or mistake her for my mother, which always totally weirded me out.” Also, there are physical realities. “When you’re dating a young hot person, you’re suddenly like fuck—I have to go to the gym,” Chelsea said. But her biggest anxiety is longevity. “I definitely have anxieties about my younger girlfriend outgrowing this relationship, because that’s a risk when you have an age gap.” It’s not surprising that dating a young person might highlight your insecurities about aging. Personally, the times I’ve dated guys six or so years younger than me, I worried at points that I was checking some “older woman” box for them. A novelty fuck, if you will. While it was an ego boner to be desired by someone with eerily smooth skin who wanted to fuck nine times a day, it also shined a light on my own stupid, petty insecurities. Like the time I stalked one Younger Guy’s Instagram, obsessing over whether the girls in his photos looked younger than me. It was très tragique , but I couldn’t help myself.


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