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Reader&amp,#8217,s Question My mother died when I was 1-year-old and my father left me in the care of his parents. My grandfather met another woman and they lived... Am I Looking for a Father Figure by Being Attracted to Older Men?

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My mother died when I was 1-year-old and my father left me in the care of his parents. My grandfather met another woman and they lived together in another place. I practically didn’t grow up with a father at my side. It was my grandparents and aunts who provided everything for me. I am now 20 years old and though I haven’t yet entered into a relationship I notice myself being attracted to or having crush on older men who are more than ten years older than I am and look mature and responsible. Even in high school I don’t usually get attracted to guys who are about the same age as I am. Am I looking for a father figure in these men I get attracted to? Is this a kind of disorder? Psychologist’s Reply. First of all, it’s not a disorder. You mention that you are attracted to “older men” but then suggest that: they are more than ten years old than you are, they are mature, and they are responsible. This attraction can be related to several things: Lacking a father figure in your childhood, yes, you may be looking for an older, more mature man. Someone to replace the father figure you never had. This may actually be the least likely of the factors involved. When we consider your childhood, it’s possible that you were forced to mature very quickly — no mother or father, supported by relatives, etc. In relationships, we often seek someone on our level of maturity . You may be more mature than your current age group and thus are attracted to people who, like yourself, have more emotional and social maturity. You may actually find the activities, attitudes, and interests of your age group somewhat immature. You may also be somewhat frightened by guys your age — and frightened of relationships in general. We often learn to relate to the opposite sex during our relationship with our opposite-sex parent. Men who treat women very well are often said to have had a good mother, that kind of thing. When we remember that at 20 you’ve never had a “relationship”, I suspect you’re somewhat fearful of a relationship, especially with your age group. You may be attracted to older, more mature and responsible men because you actually feel safer. Your attraction is not a disorder. If you recognize that being somewhat fearful is related to your attraction to older men, then I’d recommend counseling to sort out those feelings. The attraction to older men can create problems for you as age is not connected to personality . When we are attracted to people because of superficial or demographic characteristics, we run the risk of ignoring their personality, emotional stability, and behavior. While attraction is very important, as you relate to a person, focus on how they treat, respect, listen, support, and interact with you. The percentage of “Losers” is the same at all age levels, so you must be careful out there.
liking older men psychology